Change is in the air

Tuesday October 3rd, 2011

Pumpkin lattes are now available at coffee shops, Halloween speciality stores are popping up in empty store fronts and people are pulling out their packed away boxes of cozy wool sweaters and knit scarves.  And in celebration of the change in seasons, this pregnancy blog has made the inevitable yet sooner than anticipated jump into mommyhood.

As independent and determined as her mom and ALL of her Masis, Duckie decided she would pick when to make her debut - no dress rehearsal or soft opening - just a single night performance of the one woman show by Siena Neelesh Patel.

And in an instant I went from pregnant with child to pregnant with emotion.   Do I feel like a mother? Do I feel like I have a daughter? Will I be a good parent? What am I supposed to do?  Can I really feel this much for someone I just met?  I don't know the answers but I do know that I feel a Love like nothing else i've ever experienced before, an over whelming urge to protect and stand between her and any harm that might come her way.

Outside of that I feel a little out of whacks to be honest.  My days consist of eat, sleep and poop mixed in with a dash of stress (see previous post), a little pain and soreness. BUT it all gets a bit duller and easier to bare every time I look at her.  They say the pregnancy blues are VERY common, i think this has more to do with the sudden change in how we might define ourselves now rather than the actual baby.  I think its normal and expected for a new mother to feel a huge array of emotions after having gone through something so life altering.  I for one feel a bit of sadness because i miss having my duckie in my belly.  It's not until after she was born that I really realized the miracle that was growing inside of me.

Siena is 12 days old today.  She's got her 2nd doc's appt tomorrow and hopefully like last week we'll see a slight increase in her weight.  She was born 5lb 9.4oz, went down to 5lb 7oz while in the hospital and went up to 5lb 7.3oz at the visit.  All very normal as most newborns lose 10% of their birth weight in the first few days.

I'll post Siena's birth story at another time but since we had a natural birth I am now in the process of recovering from a few stitches ( i tore slightly).  There's also what's known as lochia - which is the bleeding that follows for the next 4 - 6 weeks.  Think of it as a REALLY REALLY long menstrual cycle.  We attempted breastfeeding as soon as she was plopped onto my belly and are still at it.  I wouldn't say we've got it down, my sore nipples can attest to that. But we haven't given up yet.  And the fact that she's got a gazillion dirty diapers is proof that she's eating.   She's so little that her mouth just can't seem to get in enough boob. I'm hoping it will get easier as she gets bigger.  I just have to push through until then.  Right now she eats every 2 hours or so during the day and will sometimes go 3-4 at night.  Luckily the inability to fall asleep between feedings at night has passed so i'm getting enough Z's to keep me functioning.

Her dad as many of you have already witnessed has found his muse when it comes to his passion - photography.  I don't know if this is a blessing or not.  Between doting over Nikki (his camera) and Siena I'm not sure he can see anything else :)  But he captures her beautifully and I can't fault him for that.  He is just as in love and smitten by her as I am.  I think he's jealous of our breastfeeding sessions.  I don't blame him, I would be too.  For his part he has been diaper changing and rocking her back to sleep as much, if not more, as I have.  Our favorite pastime is skin-to-skin.  Having Siena lay on our chests while she's passed out, just staring at her, taking in her intoxicating baby smell.  We've also taken to having a little nap time with her in our bed before we get up each morning.  Sandwiched between mom and dad, oblivious to how ridiculously happy we are just to be close to her, she sleeps peacefully.

My mom has been here since she was born and will stay for a few weeks.  It's been great but N and I are getting spoiled.  Cooking, cleaning, you name it she does it while we get the chance to just focus on Siena.  By the time she leaves he'll be back to work and I'll have to go back to all the cooking and cleaning.  Oh well, I'm enjoying the company and the help and Siena loves the attention from her Missy Ba.

My dad came down this past weekend for a visit.  He had to shut down the shop but it was totally worth it.  He was so excited and nervous!   He hadn't seen or held me until i was 4 months old since i was born in India and he was in the States and the first new born he'd ever held was my niece Shivani 18 years ago.  He was great with her and watching him be amazed by her was definitely one of the highpoints of these past 12 days.  He left this morning, tears in all our eyes.  It will probably be at least another 2 months before he gets to hold his grand daughter again.  But with a new webcam already on its way to him we hope it will be more bearable with weekly skype dates.