Heavy with Emotion or This Post is Brought to you by the #3

3 is…

 the number of hours I think I actually slept last night

the number of emotionally charged conversations I had yesterday

the number of days left until N comes home

the number of times I cried in the past 24 hours

the number of times I put this post up and then deleted it

0… the number of times I’ve ever openly shared something like this

Yesterday started out just like any other day, me running around from one place to another, preparing for the baby by buying, returning, researching, etc.  I had dropped off N and company at the airport for their trip to Montreal.  I had it all figured out – alone time would give me a chance to catch up on my long list of to-do’s, tap into my nesting skills, and even get in some time girl time with some friends.  I’ve always taken pride in my ability to be comfortable with being alone.  What I didn’t count for was that alone time would also be accompanied by hormone time.

Until recently the pregnancy had been just that – all about The Pregnancy.  But now as we get closer to D-Day I find myself reading and researching more about the actual labor, what happens after delivery, newborn care, infant care, parenting – not a bad thing in and of itself, but also causing me to dwell on and create in my head scenarios revolving around familial expectations, cultural pressures, and relationship strains.

This has always been a fault of mine, over-analyzing – working myself into an anxiety-driven frenzy over something which has not happened and may not ever happen.  Living by the old adage, HOPE FOR THE BEST, EXPECT THE WORST, but focusing only on the second half.  Formulating very detailed scenes (think Hi-def, with surround sound) and playing them out in my head.  Generally, not based on facts or experiences but solely on my fears and insecurities.  Which fears? Which insecurities? Take your pick – fear of losing control, fear of losing myself and my identity, not being respected, insecurities about being worthy, being liked, of asking for help, appearing weak… you get the point.

I liked to take comfort in the fact that at least I knew that I did this – First step in recovery is recognizing you have a problem, right?  But I’ve been doing this since I was a young teen.  Internalize everything, get all worked up, have a bit of break down in private and then come out of it half-laughing at myself, realizing I’m just overreacting.  No one generally knew what was going on in my head and it was my way of dealing with stress. Most of the time I walked away feeling like I had worked things out for myself and no one was the wiser.  Who was I kidding?!  The scenarios might have been fictional but the residual emotions created because of them were not.  They came with me where ever I went next in my conversations and discussions with others -  wearing them like boxing gloves, protecting my face, keeping me on the defensive.

 Last night as I got caught up in thinking about yet another “what if” possibility, working myself up to more tears and a quickened heartbeat, I realized that I was perpetuating exactly what I was most worried about.  For all my talk of creating a stress-free, loving and happy environment for Duckie – here I was allowing my fears and insecurities to upset me, stress me out and in turn push those to this little bundle of love in my belly.  Duckie has a front row seat to my physical and emotional reactions to stress and the vibe I create.  No one is more directly influenced by what I do and think.  I AM NOT saying that I can’t allow myself to wonder and address my fears and insecurities but that instead of spending all my energy focusing on what I can’t ever know or control (the future, other people’s actions and thoughts) it would be better spent focused on my own actions, well-being and state of mind.

What I want more than anything is to create an environment for Duckie that is full of love and support.  To try and build a relationship with Duckie that is honest, open and healthy.  I have to remind myself that I can’t predict or control how others will behave, what they will say or the impact it will have on this environment.  What I can do is make an effort to take a good look at myself and how I respond and react to others, the affect my reactions will have on Duckie’s environment and the example I will be setting.

I don’t know if I’ll fail or succeed but I do know that I'll try my hardest and HOPE FOR THE BEST.