Love Letter

Dear Siena,

Today you turned 1 month old.  Somehow it doesn't seem possible that I've only known you for that long.  I swear it feels like i've known you all my life.  How is it possible that in such a short amount of time you've changed so much,  smiles turning into laughter, whimpers into wails.  Every day with you feels like the most amazing day and I can't imagine that it can get any better.  Sure, i'm a little sleep deprived and my nipples feel like they might fall off and I may never fit into my skinny jeans again but you and I both know that i'd live like that forever just to have you with me.

My birthday wish for you is that you should always feel and know how much you are loved in this world.  Unconditionally.

love,
mom.

Week 4 visit at the Pediatrician

I don't think i've ever been so excited about going to visit a doctor - having gone 2 weeks since our last visit I was dying to know how much ladybug had grown and to hear from the doctor that we were not in fact complete failures at taking care of our newborn.

So here are the numbers from our appt on Wednesday

                       At Birth                           Current

Weight             5lbs 9.4 oz                         7lbs 5.6 oz
Height             19.5 inches                          20.5 inches


In terms of the infamous growth chart she's just shy of being in the top 10th %ile for weight gain and in the top 25th for Height and Head growth.  Sounds good to me.

All of our other concerns, her throaty sounds and breathing (think cat hacking up hairball), pale hands and feet, tearless right eye, spit bubbles, and flattened left ear were put at ease and we were told these were all normal and would resolve themselves as she grows.

I still can't believe she's gained almost 2 pounds!  For all our ongoing breast issues (yup still got 'em) at least I can take solace in the fact that she is in fact eating and gaining weight.

And born on this day....

Today is the day that Siena would have been considered full term so we're celebrating her Day 0.  We've been told that all developmental milestones and guidelines on what to expect should be based on her due date and not her actual birth date. The past 3 weeks have been

Now that she's here I don't know how we could have waited another 3 weeks for her to show up.   She's already changing so much, her cheeks are getting fuller, her range of sounds are increasing and her expressions - well let me just say if you haven't come to visit you need to do so ASAP - they are hysterical

Not to say any of it has been easy.  I think i mentioned last week that I was having some issues with engorgement.  Well that turned into what felt like clogged ducts - hard umps under the surface.  Thursday I started having flu like symptoms, chills, aches, pains and later that day I developed a fever of 100.2.  As per the breastfeeding book it looked like I also had mastitis in my left breast (large red patches were a tell tale sign) - a breast infection caused by a common staph bacteria that's found on our skin that enters in through a crack or break in skin usually around the nipple.

Friday AM we went into the midwives' office and they confirmed by suspicion.  They put me on a 10 day antibiotic course.  The meds really only helped the infection and flu-like symptoms I still had to deal with the engorgement and plugged ducts. This was dealt with lots of feedings (yes, it was a bit uncomfortable but the best way to empty out was to keep on feeding) and cold cabbage leaves.  Excuse me?  Yes, cold cabbage leaves - something about the sulfates in them that help reduce fluid or something along those lines.  So after every feeding mom, N, or I would take off a leaf of cabbage, flatten and release the enzymes with a rolling pin and place it inside my bra.

By Sunday the engorgement had gone down and I no longer felt any hard bumps.  This was just in time for us to have a very fussy Siena on our hands.  Sunday and Monday were filled with lots of crying, extra feedings which i didn't think i had enough milk for and what seemed to be a growth spurt for Siena.  By late Monday night into Tuesday morning I was a mess - thought maybe i wasn't making enough milk because she kept wanting to feed or that the flow was too slow for her and her little mouth.  I can't begin to describe what it feels like when something so little and so vulnerable is crying so hard she's shaking and you can't figure out how to make her feel better.  It will break your heart.  every time.  So we started thinking about maybe giving her a little formula.  I had samples from 2 of the major formula companies that had come in the mail as well as the kit the hospital gave us.  I really didn't want to introduce formula to her let alone a bottle.  But her wants superseded mine and we were desperate.  N opened up the kit and inside was a ready to serve bottle of 2 oz of newborn formula.  She sucked that thing down in 5 seconds flat and passed out

I decided that in the morning that I would call the lactation consultant, and N would go and rent a breast pump.  I was not going to let my baby starve.

Of course the next morning, babygirl woke up and fed properly.  I spoke to Jo our birthing class instructor as I waited to hear back from the lactation consultant. She helped calm me down, telling me it was highly unlikely that I was not making enough milk.  That it takes a while for us to adjust to what the baby needs and even then they'll up and have a growth spurt or change up their eating habits or just have an off day.  And that as long as she was having a good number of dirty diapers she was in fact eating enough.  I spoke with the consultant and she said the same and that maybe we should wait 24 hours now that she seemed to be better and then decide to come in.

Since then Siena has been eating better and I've been producing more milk.  We've figured out her fussy/colicky time is from 11pm - 1am after which she's out until i wake her for a feeding.  We're still not in sync completely - my C size right breast and B size left one can attest to that - but I'm more confident that we'll be able to figure it out.

Happy Birthday!

Siena turns 2 weeks today!  Part of me feels like time is going by so quickly and the other is like 'Really, just two weeks'?

One thing i'm sure of is that she's growing/changing every day.  We had her doc's appt on Tuesday and we're proud to announce she surpassed her hospital and birth weight is now weighing in at 6lbs and 1 oz :)  This means her cheeks have filled in a bit and soon we'll be switching out of the preemie gear into the newborn.

BFing is moving along - I'm still sore and at times find myself engorged (my boobs feel like i've got implants in made out of cement) but she's eating and I'm producing milk so we're on the right track.  Really the only thing that bothers her is the gas.  The doc says at this age newborns still haven't developed the right fauna of bacteria in their digestive tracks so they are EXTREMELY GASSY.  All those cute image where Siena is making a sour face - GAS.  The ones where she's smiling - PASSED GAS

Change is in the air

Tuesday October 3rd, 2011

Pumpkin lattes are now available at coffee shops, Halloween speciality stores are popping up in empty store fronts and people are pulling out their packed away boxes of cozy wool sweaters and knit scarves.  And in celebration of the change in seasons, this pregnancy blog has made the inevitable yet sooner than anticipated jump into mommyhood.

As independent and determined as her mom and ALL of her Masis, Duckie decided she would pick when to make her debut - no dress rehearsal or soft opening - just a single night performance of the one woman show by Siena Neelesh Patel.

And in an instant I went from pregnant with child to pregnant with emotion.   Do I feel like a mother? Do I feel like I have a daughter? Will I be a good parent? What am I supposed to do?  Can I really feel this much for someone I just met?  I don't know the answers but I do know that I feel a Love like nothing else i've ever experienced before, an over whelming urge to protect and stand between her and any harm that might come her way.

Outside of that I feel a little out of whacks to be honest.  My days consist of eat, sleep and poop mixed in with a dash of stress (see previous post), a little pain and soreness. BUT it all gets a bit duller and easier to bare every time I look at her.  They say the pregnancy blues are VERY common, i think this has more to do with the sudden change in how we might define ourselves now rather than the actual baby.  I think its normal and expected for a new mother to feel a huge array of emotions after having gone through something so life altering.  I for one feel a bit of sadness because i miss having my duckie in my belly.  It's not until after she was born that I really realized the miracle that was growing inside of me.

Siena is 12 days old today.  She's got her 2nd doc's appt tomorrow and hopefully like last week we'll see a slight increase in her weight.  She was born 5lb 9.4oz, went down to 5lb 7oz while in the hospital and went up to 5lb 7.3oz at the visit.  All very normal as most newborns lose 10% of their birth weight in the first few days.

I'll post Siena's birth story at another time but since we had a natural birth I am now in the process of recovering from a few stitches ( i tore slightly).  There's also what's known as lochia - which is the bleeding that follows for the next 4 - 6 weeks.  Think of it as a REALLY REALLY long menstrual cycle.  We attempted breastfeeding as soon as she was plopped onto my belly and are still at it.  I wouldn't say we've got it down, my sore nipples can attest to that. But we haven't given up yet.  And the fact that she's got a gazillion dirty diapers is proof that she's eating.   She's so little that her mouth just can't seem to get in enough boob. I'm hoping it will get easier as she gets bigger.  I just have to push through until then.  Right now she eats every 2 hours or so during the day and will sometimes go 3-4 at night.  Luckily the inability to fall asleep between feedings at night has passed so i'm getting enough Z's to keep me functioning.

Her dad as many of you have already witnessed has found his muse when it comes to his passion - photography.  I don't know if this is a blessing or not.  Between doting over Nikki (his camera) and Siena I'm not sure he can see anything else :)  But he captures her beautifully and I can't fault him for that.  He is just as in love and smitten by her as I am.  I think he's jealous of our breastfeeding sessions.  I don't blame him, I would be too.  For his part he has been diaper changing and rocking her back to sleep as much, if not more, as I have.  Our favorite pastime is skin-to-skin.  Having Siena lay on our chests while she's passed out, just staring at her, taking in her intoxicating baby smell.  We've also taken to having a little nap time with her in our bed before we get up each morning.  Sandwiched between mom and dad, oblivious to how ridiculously happy we are just to be close to her, she sleeps peacefully.

My mom has been here since she was born and will stay for a few weeks.  It's been great but N and I are getting spoiled.  Cooking, cleaning, you name it she does it while we get the chance to just focus on Siena.  By the time she leaves he'll be back to work and I'll have to go back to all the cooking and cleaning.  Oh well, I'm enjoying the company and the help and Siena loves the attention from her Missy Ba.

My dad came down this past weekend for a visit.  He had to shut down the shop but it was totally worth it.  He was so excited and nervous!   He hadn't seen or held me until i was 4 months old since i was born in India and he was in the States and the first new born he'd ever held was my niece Shivani 18 years ago.  He was great with her and watching him be amazed by her was definitely one of the highpoints of these past 12 days.  He left this morning, tears in all our eyes.  It will probably be at least another 2 months before he gets to hold his grand daughter again.  But with a new webcam already on its way to him we hope it will be more bearable with weekly skype dates.